It's funny.

I'm sitting in my dorm room

It's 12:09am

And... I'm alone.

My roommate is asleep and I'd normally, if this was a year ago today, be chatting with friends for another hour.

But those friends... don't exist anymore.

It's really weird, that this would hit me as hard as it is right now.

it's not an 'oh my god you're such an emo bitch' sort of feeling so much as a feeling of emptiness.

I had somebody tell me today that they didn't want to be my friend anymore. The reasons given? I was a bad friend who never took any of this friend's advice and I just used this friend for my own dastardly deeds. And you know what I realized? That, that moment, that that made me more alone than I've felt in a long time. I tried to list off people in my head, people who I could call, who would care and come over and hug me and tell me it was a lie and I wasn't as much of a freak as they said I was but when I tried to find that list, the only person I could call without a bad feeling in my gut was my mom.

I used to have 'eople' you know? People who cared, people who I could depend on but for the most part, time split us apart or they cut me off because they got bored with me. I.. used to have people who would come to me, as I would come to them, in the dead of the night when I needed them and they would be there for me and the reverse was also true.

But not anymore.

I realized that tonight.

I got into trouble without even meanign to. I'm participating in NaNo and at the pushings of some online friends, posted it on PC and well, everyone's sleep deprived-ness just kinda kicked in and perceptions were misguided and it just exploded. And the funny thing is is that, like it normally happens to me in real life, I was the only person who took any brunt of it. The scapegoat, evne though I was only about 80% at fault. It was an awkward feeling so I tried to find someone to talk to and as i went through the online friends and my aim list and my msn list and my phone I realized that

I have nobody.

Everyone's so caught up in their own stress and drama and some of them want me to help, some of them are blaming me for the stress when really, I had nothing malicious to do with it and some still want me to just stay out. All of these are fine but the main thing they share in common is that they have no time for my silly little ditties. So I go to my parents, my sister. I confide in them, I go to them for someone to tell me that I'm beautiful in God's eyes even when I can't see it by myself and then people, people who used to do that for me to, say I'm too dependent and I need to learn to stand on my own because, in reality, if i don't, I'm still just a child.

But really, aren't we all?

We like to think that because we're in college now that we're adults. We can take on the world and nothing can stop us but to be honest, we're not adults, we're not even close. We can't stand on our own two feet and depend on no one but ourselves and our jobs and our own private income and household. Even though we think we don't need people, when the stress of everything hits us, it's our friends that see us through. I think maybe this is what's been bothering me. Maybe this is why I've felt so off for about three months.

I've watched people group off, have that intimate friendship, that supportive bridge, and I've tried, to the point of trying to force my way in, to get in on it, somewhere to get in on it. Lonlieness, it drives us to things we wouldn't normally comprehend doing. I've tried just clinging to my online friends, my lifelines in countries and states far away but the lack of physical friendship is...painful. It's not that I don't have it, i just don't have it like I used to. Don't get me wrong, I really really do love what few local friends I still have but they just can't support me like I guess I'm craving. As hard as it is, I understand it. They have their own stress and lives and well, I have mine. I'm not in any of their intimate intimate circles and if I'm never, I can accept that because, well, having some is better than none. It deadens the pain enough for the act of going from day to day to occur.

I just wish I could have those intimate friends, who knew all of my secrets and had the time for me still or, if they could, were willing to make the time. It's hard, taking the brunt of everything people lash out at me with the foolish childish hope it'll turn into something better, maybe someday. It's just something you want to believe in, regardless of how foolish or stupid it really is. When the dream cracks and crumbles and the reality sets it, it leaves an empty hollow feeling, a lack of worth. It's at times like these I go back to my roots, dig into my writing and into my family and wait for the chance to come out again, to go back to Moscow where the streets are paved and the city is always alive and there is always someone to talk to, there is always someone who cares. It may not happen when I want it to but I'll beileve, against what others may say, that I'll get to go back. That I'll get to be loved by friends again and that i'll feel that warm acceptance I used to have that so easily slipped through my fingers; it'll happen I know it. I know people may not read this note, I know probably no one will comment or if they do, it probably won't be anything nice but regardless, this has...rekindled in me a small hope. A small hope that maybe I won't have to force my way in one day, maybe the gates will open for me without me having to do a single thing.

I'll go back to Moscow... I will.... Someday. :3